[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
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i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?