Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
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The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Spring of Deception
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.