After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
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And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*