Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
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non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
White Castle for the Win
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.