Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
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The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.