*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
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It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.