Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
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Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
April 1st is the class clown of days.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
real
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
A leaf blower, but for people.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
giddy up Office Depot
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
how long have you had this for?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?