My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
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Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
*launders Kohls cash*
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?