I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
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Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*