Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
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[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that