Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
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i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”