Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
You Might Also Like
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Many hands make light work
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas: