Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
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My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”