You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
You Might Also Like
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog