Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
You Might Also Like
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family