‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
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I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”