All set.
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But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Great game to play with friends
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.