I have a new favorite meme page
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If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
A small tragedy.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.