How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
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handsome & gretel
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?