I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
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the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
the battle rages on
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?