My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
You Might Also Like
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Cndnsd Mlk
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there