I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
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My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”