I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
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Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Boom, boom, ching!
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.