Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
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I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.