I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
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Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
And bowling should be called pinball
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.