I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
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Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?