Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
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Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!