I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
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you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal