[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
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I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.