Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
You Might Also Like
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.