3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
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Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
This is hilarious….
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.