Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
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[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota