Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
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*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.