“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
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first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
What?
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Festive toon…
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.