This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
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“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Word!
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET