if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
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[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
me logging onto twitter
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.