The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
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Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
How animals would run if they were human
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Me irl
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.