my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
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My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.