As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
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My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
when you order from DoorDastardly
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.