Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
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Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us