I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
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My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Think I pulled my liver
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.