I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
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Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
This rocks
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?