Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
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Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.