I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
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[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
sensitive skin
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator