I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
My beach vacation Google searches
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.