nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
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This story is comedy gold 😂
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
U talkin 2 me?
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.