don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
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Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.