officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
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CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Mornin. * use accordingly
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.