[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
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website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
british sex workers really pound for pound
Me irl
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.