Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
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Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Smooooooth
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?